Mind Your Expectations

I was watching Oprah's Super Soul Sunday and her guest for that episode was Dr. Phil. I used to be a huge Dr. Phil fan, but then I realized, I wasn't, so I haven't watched his show in years. However, when Oprah believes in you...there must be something there. They began talking about relationships and why most of them don't work out or fail. One of the things they talked about was the expectations we put on other people and how when that person does not do what we think they are supposed to do, we get angry and that anger  does nothing to that person, but it hurts us. I am guilty of this and I am working on it. Not for anything else, except as I get older, the more I realize that I cannot control how someone feels about me or someone treats me. I can only control myself. If someone is treating me poorly or not giving me what I need, no amount of love, love making, and home cooked meals, will make them be what I want them to be. I can bribe, coax, and send as many heart emojis and "I love you" to someone until I'm blue in the face and never get that in return because the only person I can control is me.

Expectations is one of the reasons Oprah never got married and never will get married. The older I get, the more I understand her decision. As women, we are expected to act a certain, especially when it comes to "catching" a man and then keeping said man. We dress "like a lady", we work out to have a tight body for that someone, we get our hair done. Then once we're married, we're expected to have kids and have great children and still maintain all the stuff HE fell in love with. If we don't live up to that expectation we are put into the "Ooo girl, don't you want to be happy?"category, implying that if none of these things happen in our lives we cannot be happy. Such horse dookie!

Men are not held to that same standard or expectation. Since they, according to the absurd patriarchal rules of society,  have to ask for the woman's hand in marriage, they get to pretty much take their time and choose their wife on their terms. Society dictates that when HE knows you're the one, he will let you know. BUT God forbid a woman is just as aggressive or  she wants to wait to get married or she doesn't want to get married at all!

I was never that girl who dreamed of a fairytale wedding. Never! I even got to a point where I decided, welp, I will never get married, and I was very good with that. I eventually met someone I really liked but in the first year of the relationship  I told myself that this whole thing would be over soon. But it didn't end! Then, I told my family and friends about him and the expectations started. Suddenly, the expectations I did not have for him, started to surface and when he did not meet my expectations, I started to become angry! With him! Then, friction, mostly from my end! And I was angry all of the time! Yes, people change and as a woman I am allowed to change my mind, but that was not fair to to the person I was in a relationship with. And I didn't change my mind because of me, I changed because of the expectations being put on me and my own insecurities.

Recently, I had to reevaluate the expectations people were putting on me and the expectations I was putting on myself and my relationship. And then I read Krissy Metz's book "This is Me" (we'll discuss that later) and then I watched Dr. Phil on Oprah and I knew that I was trying to control everyone and everything around me. So, I made a conscience decision to STOP (I still have hiccups...big hiccups), but once I lowered my expectations--not my standards; there is a difference-- anger subsided. You know how some people use cutting to to feel? Well I was anger to feel. I thought my anger would hurt the other person, but like the old saying goes "Being angry is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die." I was hurting myself. So, I choose not to be angry and not to retaliate when  I felt hurt, because it doesn't solve anything.

I am better because I choose to stop trying to control people. I am better because I choose to live my life on my terms. I am still working on it. Therapy, counting to ten, watching The Office, reading, and journaling helps. For now...